Did you know that simply being involved in your child's life makes them more likely to succeed in school That's right. Children of involved dads are more likely to get A's. They're also less likely to repeat a grade, be suspended, or drop out of school.
But if you want to give your child the best chance to succeed in school, you must do more than just be involved in their life. You must do certain things that:

• Give your child the structure they need to succeed.
• Show your child how important school is to their future.

Here are 10 ways to do just that!

1. Don't let mom do all the work.

Some dads leave everything to do with school up to mom. When you are not involved in helping your child with school, it gives your child only one parent to help. If' you're married to mom or you live together, helping with school work, meetings, and events gives mom a break. Getting involved will help your child and your relationship. It takes the pressure off of mom and shows her and your child that you respect her.

2. When your child is young, read to them daily.

Children who learn to read well at an early age are more likely to succeed in school. read aloud to your child and let them pick the book. Read to your child at the same time during the day, such as a couple hours before bed. Keep books in lots of rooms so your child always has access to them. Set an example by reading yourself in front of your child.

3. Tell your child what you expect and then take a back seat.

Children who succeed have parents who are clear about what they expect of their children. (Don't be shy about expecting good grades.) But children who succeed also have parents who step aside. These parents let their children find their own paths to success. They don't hover over their children.

4. As your child ages, tell them tot ask questions that challenge you and others.

As long as they show respect, allow your child to challenge you at home. As they become more comfortable challenging you, they'll become more comfortable challenging others, such as teachers. Asking a lot of questions that challenge other with respect will become even more helpful to your child as they move into higher grades.

5. Encourage your child to do homework in groups and with friends who succeed in subjects your child struggles with, or just needs a little help in.

A lot of advice on helping your child succeed in school involves helping with homework. While this advice can help when your child is really young, it can backfire later on. One reason is parents are often too far removed from their own schooling to help. they often forget how to do certain forms of higher math, for example, and develop bad grammar and writing habits. Plus, the ways in which subjects are taught today can differ a lot from the ways in which they were taught years ago. A better approach is for your child o study in a group of peers who are exposed to the same teaching approach or with a friend who really gets the subjects in which your child needs help.

6. Help your child get into classes with good teachers.

More than choosing the right courses, what matters most is who teaches those courses. If your school allows your child to select teachers, do your homework. Ask parents you know whose children have had certain teachers about the quality of those teachers. By the time children get into middle and high school, they often know who are the good and bad teachers.

7. Go to school and class events.

Go to meetings with the teacher(s), to class parties, to school ball games and plays, and to events that involve the entire school. When dads do these things, their children get better grades and like school more.

8. Get to know other children and parents.

Your child will make friends in class(es) and may or may not get along with others. Knowing the children in the class(es), and their parents, will help you talk with your child about the good and not so good things that happen at school. This will help if you need to talk with the teachers about problems between your child and other children that happen over and over again. Invite the children and the parents that you want your child to be around to your home. This may create bonds that last a long time. One of the best things you can do for your child is to help him or her avoid "hanging out" with the wrong crowd.

9. Ask your boss for time off.

All of these ideas maybe great, but what if it's hard to get off work? Use benefits, like flextime, that will allow you to get involved. go in a little late and stay a little late if your child has an event in the morning. If it will help you to be more involved, bring your work home and do it after your child goes to bed. Ask the teacher or school for a calendar of events take place. this will help your boss to plan for your absence. Ask to "telecommute" so that you cane take and pick up your child from school.

10. Join a group that helps parents to become involved.

Become a member of a group, like PTA, that helps parents to get involved in your child's school. This is one of the best ways to make sure that your child's teachers are doing the best they can to teach your child. start a "Dad's Club" as part of the group. the club can create projects and events that help dads to get involved in the school.

Being able to manage money well is a vital role of a good dad. Whether or not you live with mom or your children, here are 7 things you know and actions to take that will help you better manage your own or your family's money.

1. It costs a lot to raise a child.

It costs nearly $12,000 a year for a two-parent family - with a combined income of $61,530 or less - to raise their first child. That means it will cost them $216,000 to raise that child through age of 18! The largest cost is housing, then childcare and education, the food.

2. Avoid debt.

Too much debt can destroy you or your family. Pay off credit card balances in full and don't let debt build. It's way too easy for debt to get out of hand. Good dads are careful when to take on large debts, like those for a car and home. Good dads take on those debts only when they or their family can afford them.

3. Create and stick to a spending plan (budget).

This plan is the most vital thing you can do to manage your own family's money. If you live with mom or other family members (e.g. your parents), get their input. Their input will help them buy into the budget and ensure they help you stick to it. Use the worksheet at the end of this post to create your own family's spending plan.

4. Track costs.

Before you can create and stick to a spending plan, you have to know where the money goes. Before you create the plan, track spending for at least a month to six weeks. Use receipts to see where the money goes. Add up how much money goes to major (e.g. food) and minor (e.g. pet care) areas. Don't leave anything out. You might find some costs you can cut right away.

5. Budget to meet needs rather than wants.

To make your spending plan work, it must meet your own or your family's needs. If you need $200 per month for food, include that much for food. Otherwise, you'll have to pull from other spending needs and come up shorts on meeting those needs. If you have debt, include money to get rid of the debt. You'll have to make some tough calls on where to spend money. Those calls will be even tougher if your or your family's income can't meet all of the needs. you might have to give up spending money on things you or your family wants but doesn't need.

6. Adjust your spending plan as needed.

A spending plan is a work in progress. Learn as you go. If costs exceed income, you only have two options. You can cut costs or increase income. Make the tough calls required to land on a spending plan that works.

7. Get help if you need it.

There are counselors who can help you for free to manage your own or your family's money. they can show you how to create a spending plan and manage debt. Money Management International provides free help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Visit www.moneymanagement.org for details or call them toll-free at 1-866-889-9347.

Please use the links below to download the spending plan worksheets

• Spending plan worksheet 1
• Spending plan worksheet 2
• Spending plan worksheet 3
• Spending plan worksheet 4

Parents who live apart can face uphill battle in being good parents. Most often, dads are the parents separated from their children. As a result, these dads can face a huge challenge in being good co-parents.
Below are 3 steps you can take now to be a good co-parent. Each step includes basic tips that anyone can use and questions to ask about them.

Step1: Decide today to be a good co-parent

1. Be thankful for what the mother of your child offers your child
2. Respect the mother of your child as a parent despite your differences and feeling about her.
3. Put past disagreements and conflicts aside and concentrate on your child.
4. Share control over your child's life and respect the mother' style of parenting.
5. Talk and negotiate with the mother about your child, such as how to help your child succeed in school.
6. Live with the differences in how to raise your child without seeing those differences as harmful. See which differences are important and unimportant so you can communicate and negotiate about the important ones.

Which of these tips will be the hardest for you to use? Why will it be the hardest one? What can you do to make it easier to use?

Step2: Decide to solve the differences between you and the mother

Men and women tend to have different parenting styles. For example, dads, on average, let their children take more risks. Moms, on average, hold their children closer and let them take fewer risks. These differences in style are good for children. But when parent have a different way to go about being parents and solving problems, it can create problems.

1. Value the need to change and listen. If you don't believe you need to change anything, you won't make the effort to listen to the need for change.
2. Value the mother. If you don't believe that she might have a valid point, you won't listen to what has to say about a change you need to make. You'll see her as nagging you.
3. Get in touch with your point of view. Ask yourself: Where did it come from? What caused it? Why do I defend it? What am I holding on to?
4. Listen to the mother's point of view. Ask her: Where does it come from? Why do you believe or value it?
5. Know that the mother's view is as important to her as yours is to you.
6. Put yourself in the mother's shoes to see things as she does.
7. Use these ground rules when you need to discuss a difficult issue with the mother:
   • No more than 15 to 30 minutes for talking.
   • Don't attack the other person.
   • No name calling.
   • Stick to the subject or difference.
   • Don't bring up the past if it has nothing to do with the difference.
   • Keep calm and end the talk if one of you becomes angry.
   • Respect each other.
8. Be willing to bargain or strike a deal with the mother. What can each of you give to the other? What is each of you willing to let go of?
9. Be ready to walk away if you or the mother becomes angry.
10. It might take more than one talk to solve the difference.

Which of these tips will be the most difficult one for you to use? Start with that one.

Step3: Create a co-parenting plan.

If you don't live with or have custody of your child, be sure to include these 12 things in a co-parenting plan.

1. Where your child will live
2. How you and the mother will help your child feel like he or she has to homes
3. How much time each of you will spend with your child and other matters with visitation
4. How you will handle holidays and other special days like birthdays.
5. How each of you will provide money to support your child.
6. How each of you will be involved in your child's school life and other activities, such as sports and music.
7. How you will handle spiritual and religious life.
8. If you must pay child support, pay it unless you can't afford it. Pay as much as you can, if you can't pay all of it. Go to a lawyer or the judge to work out a plan that you can afford.
9. Have the same rules in both homes, such as for discipline, rewards, bedtime, and meals. You will confuse your child and make it hard for you and the mother if one home is loose and other strict.
10. Don't be a "Disney Dad" and spoil your child. It's okay to do stuff with her or him that costs money, but try to do fun stuff that doesn't cost much or is free. Your child doesn't care how much money you have. Your child only cares that you love her or him. Children spell love "T-I-M-E."
11. Leave your problems at the door. The time you have with your child is too special to let the problems in your life ruin your time with him or her.
12. If you have custody of your child, send mom and email or text her once a week with an update on your child. If she has custody, ask her to do the same.

Do you and the mother of your child have a written co-parent plan? If not, do you already have some of the tips above in place that you can include in one? What other agreements should you add?




Tips and Tools for Dad of Pre-School & School-Age Children

Part 1: PREPARE your child for a lifetime of success in school
Dad, did you know that if you are involved in your child's schoolwork and school events, it will help them do well in school now and in the future? It's true! Even when mom is involved in school, it helps for you to be involved, too. It's even true if you don't live with your child. So get involved using these 10 tips

1. Don't let Mom do All the Work
   Some dads leave everything to do with school up to mom. When you are not involved, it gives your child only one partner to help. When you are involved, it takes the pressure off mom and shows her and your child that you respect mom and value school.
2. "Show and Tell" How Important School IS
   Your child needs to hear that school is important to success in life. Talk with your child as often as you can about the school day. Model how important school is by taking a course on something you want to learn. This will show that learning can be done at any age.
3. Help with School Worl
   Children today have more schoolwork (and homework) than you might have had as a child. This puts a lot of pressure on children. Helping with schoolwork can help your child learn more. Your child might be in a class of 20 to 30 students. If your child has problems with a certain subject, they might not get the one-on-one help they need. You and mom can give the one-on-one help the school might not be able to give.
4. Make School Fun
   Your child should have fun learning no matter how old they are. Play games that teach basic skills to your child, like math, reading, and writing. Use the fun times you spend with your child as a chance to learn. If you watch a basketball game with your child, for example, ask your child by how many points the winning team is ahead.
5. Spend a Day or Two in Class
   Ask your child's teacher if you can spend parts of one or two days in the classroom. this will give you an idea not only of the subjects your child learns, but how the teacher teaches them because it might be different than the way you learned those subjects. You don't want to confuse your child by being taught one way at school and another way at home.
6. Meet with the Teacher
   Set a time to meet with your child's teacher before you spend a day or two in class. This will help you get to know the teacher and ask questions you might have about how the teacher will teach and discipline your child. It's also good to meet with the principal to see how the school is run.
7. Go to School and Class Events
   Go to parent-teacher and student-led meetings, to class parties, to school plays, and to events that involve the entire school. When dads do these things, their children get better grades and like school more.
8. Join a Group That Helps Parents to Become Involved
   Become a member of a group, like the PTA or PTO, which helps parents to get involved in your child's school. Start a "Dad's Club" as part of the group. The club can create projects and events that help dads get involved in the school.
9. Get to Know Other Children and Parents
   Knowing the children in the class, and their parents, will help you talk with your child about the good and not so good things that happen at school. This will help if you need to talk with the teacher about problems between your child and other children. And who knows...getting to know the other parents might lead to new friendships.
10. Ask Your Boss for Time Off
    Use benefits, like flextime, that will allow you to get involved. Ask the teacher or school for a calendar or events so that you can ask for time off long before events take place. This will help your boss plan for your absence.

Part 2: PROVIDE your child for a lifetime of health
Dad, do you want your child to feel good and live a healthy life? Today, there is a crisis in the number of children who are overweight and obese.

• 17 percent of children (12.5 million) are obese.
• Almost 3 times as many children are obese today as in 1980.
• these children are at high risk for heart disease, stroke, diabetes, some cancers, and other health problems.

The good news is that you can help your child to avoid being one of these numbers. Children are more likely to have a healthy weight and lifestyle if their dad has a healthy weight and lifestyle. How often you exercise and how healthy your diet is will affect your child's level of exercise and their diet.
Use these 10 tips to create a healthy path for your child that will last a lifetime

1. Exercise
   Enough said. Modeling exercise is perhaps the best thing you can do to create an active home. Try to involve your child when you exercise, such as having them jog with you. Not only will this show them the joy of exercise, but it will also bring you closer to your child.
2. Enroll Your Child in a sport
   Get your child in into a sports program they will enjoy. Allow your child to try several sports to find one they really enjoy. Don't push your child into sports they don't enjoy and remember that some sports require a lot of time from your child and family. Be aware of the commitment before you sign up.
3. Buy Healthy Foods
   Buy foods made from whole products, such as whole-wheat bread and brown rice, instead of highly refined foods, such as white bread and white rice. Limit foods with preservatives, chemicals, and those that are high in saturated fat and sugar. Buy lots of fruits and vegetables of many colors. Limit how often your family eats "fast foods."
4. Model a Healthy Diet
   Eat healthy foods. If you ask your children to eat broccoli, eat it, too. Not every family member will like the same foods, but overall, the family should follow the same healthy diet. If your diet needs a tune up, start eating healthy before asking your children to do the same.
5. Eat Regular Meals Together
   Pick at least one meal in the day that your family shares together. Many families choose dinner because it's a great time to get caught up on what's happening in the daily lives of dad, mom, and the children. Don't watch TV during mealtime. Avoid having your child do their homework during mealtime.
6. 6 Watch Portion Size
   When you eat at home, don't serve large amounts of food. When eating out, choose restaurant that serve smaller amounts. Children who stuff themselves don't learn that they should stop eating when full. Don't force your child to clean their plate. Your child knows when they're full. Watching portion size helps your child maintain a healthy weight.
7. Watch your Child Drink
   Sodas and fruit juice are the drink of choice for too many children. Once study of obese teens found that 50 percent of their calories came from sodas. Diet sodas don't pass the test. Fruit juices are okay in small amounts. Avoid sport drinks unless your child needs to recharge after a lot of physical activity. tell your child to drink lost of water and just enough milk for strong bones.
8. Tame the TV and Video Games
   Limit the amount of TV watching and video games. Have your child do at least 2-3 times as much physical activity per day than they watch TV or play video games. Model this by noting the amount of TV you watch and time you play video games.
9. Make Time for Family to be Active Together
   At least once a week, make time for the members of your family to be active together. Do something everyone enjoys. try walking, riding bikes, bowling, or building a garden.
10. Plan special, Active Family Trips
    Active families often take active trips. Water and snow skiing, hiking, biking, and camping make great, active family trips. But don't forget to balance active things with "down time" to relax and just "hang out"

Part 3: PRACTICE being an involved, responsible, and committed father every day!
More fathers than ever are experiencing the satisfaction of taking an active role in their children's lives. Fatherhood is for life, so practice being a "dad" every single day! Here are 10 practical ways you can make a difference in your child's life now and for a lifetime.

1. Respect Your Children's Mother
   One of the best things a father can do for his children is to respect their mother. If you are married, keep your marriage strong. If you are not married, it is still important to respect and support the mother of your children. A father and mother who respect each other provide a secure environment for their children. When children see their parents respecting each other, they are more likely to feel that they are also accepted and respected.
2. Spend Time with Your Children
   How a dad spends his time tells his children what is important to him. if you always seem too busy, they will feel neglected no matter what you say or how much money you spend on them. Treasuring children often means sacrificing other things, but it is essential! Children grow up quickly - missed opportunities are lost forever!
3. Earn the Right to be Heard
   Sometimes a father only speaks to his children when they have done something wrong. Start talking to your children when they have done something wrong. Start talking to your children about difficult subjects when they are young so that these conversations will be easier when they are older. Take the time to listen to their ideas and problems
4. Discipline with Love
   All children need guidance and discipline, not as punishment but to set reasonable limits. remind your children that actions have consequences and provide meaningful rewards for desirable behavior. Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair manner show love for their children.
5. Be a Role Model
   Fathers are role models, whether or not they realize it. A girl with a loving father grows up knowing she deserves to be treated with respect, and she knows what to look for in a husband. Fathers can teach sons what is important by demonstrating honesty, humility, and responsibility.
6. Be a teacher
   Too many fathers think teaching is something others do. but a father who teaches his children about right and wrong, and encourages them to do their best, will see his children make good choices. Involved fathers use everyday examples to help their children learn basic lessons of life.
7. Read to Your Children
   Dads have to make a special effort to read to their children in a world where television and video games dominate. Promote reading by reading to your children when they are young. Encourage them to read on their own as they grow. Instill a love of reading in your children and you will help them have a lifetime of personal and career growth.
8. Show Affection
   Children need to know they are wanted, accepted and loved by their family. Parents, especially fathers, need to feel comfortable and be willing to hug their children. Showing affection every day is a great way to let your children know that you love them.
9. Balance Work and Family
   Working dads sometimes think it's hard to spend time with family and succeed at work, but it can be done. The fact tis the more success you have balancing work and family, the better father and worker you'll be. Balance lowers the stress you have in both roles. you don't have to give up time with your family to succeed at work.
10. Realize that a Father's job is Never Done
    Even after your child has left home, if you're done your job well, she will still look to you for wisdom and advice. Fathers still play an essential part in the lives of their adult children as they build their own families. Dads create a legacy for future generations.

Good Parents want what's best for their child. Because you want to be a good parent, it's vital that you know how much children need an involved dad in their lives. An involved dad helps children in so many ways.

Lots of research shows that children who grow up with their dads do better, on average, in the following ways:

1. Better able to control their emotions.

   These children are:

   • Less likely to have emotional and behavioral problems
   • Less likely to be aggressive
   • 4 times less likely to have a mood disorder (like depression or anxiety)
2. Have better physical health.

   Children with an involved dad are less likely to be obese. That's because dads engage their children in physical play and can help their children learn the importance of exercise.
   These children are also:

   • 2 times less likely to die as infants
   • More likely to be breastfed
   • 2 times more likely to be fit
3. Have healthier relationships.

   Dads can help their children make good decisions about relationships. A good, involved dad's views affect what his daughter looks for in a boyfriend or husband. His views affect the kind of dad and husband his son will become, and how to treat girls and women. When a dad is present, teens are:

   • Less likely to have sex at an early age
   • 7 times less likely to become pregnant as a teen
4. Feel safer and more confident.

   Children are safer when their dad lives with them. Children who grow up without their dad are at a greater risk for child abuse. That's because a dad often plays the role of protector of his children. Children with involved dads are also:

   • 10 times less likely to be physically abused
   • 6 times less likely to suffer neglect
5. Less likely to use and abuse alcohol and drugs.

   An involved dad is an anti-drug. Children who use and abuse alcohol and drugs may do so because they lack the love and connection a dad and other family members provide. When a dad is present, children are:

   • Less likely to use alcohol or drugs
   • Less likely to abuse drugs
6. Do better in school.

   An involved dad helps children do well in school, even when a dad doesn't live with his children. When a dad is present, children are:

   • More likely to get A's
   • 2 times less likely to repeat a grade
   • Less likely to drop out of high school
7. Less likely to be poor.

   When a dad doesn't live with his children, it's harder for him to provide money to support his family. When a dad is present, children are:

   • 4 times less likely to live in poverty
   • 2 times less likely to experience poverty as adults
8. More likely to stay out of trouble.

   When a dad is present, children are:

   • Less likely to take risks that can harm them
   • Less likely to commit a crime
   • Less likely to go to prison

Actions You can Take to help Your Child Have an Involved Dad

11. If you are a mom:

    1. Be thankful for what the dad of your child offers your child.
    2. Respect the dad as a parent, even if you might have poor feelings about him.
    3. Ask dad for his opinion when making decisions for your child.
    4. talk positively about the dad in front of your child.
    5. Make your child's health and well-being a priority, and ask dad to be involved in your child's life in specific ways.
12. If you are a dad:

    Take steps now to be there for your child:

    1. Make time for your child and take an interest in their life.
    2. Tell your child you love them.
    3. if you are unmarried or not living with the mother, ask to see your child and find ways to be involved in their life.
    4. Tell your child how important school is; attend your child's class and school events.
    5. Be a role model for your son or daughter. Show them how to be a good parent, husband, wife, or partner; and how to treat people well.

For new dads and men about to become fathers, here’s some wisdom for raising your child.

1. Strengthen Your One-on-One Game

Most dads-to-be are concerned with taking care of a crying baby and other challenges babyhood brings. You will find, though, after a few months of on-the-job training, caring for your child becomes second nature. Learn how your baby reacts to your care, and he will learn what to expect from you, like that dads are fun! After a while, nobody will be able to take better care of your child.

2. Get to Know Your New Best Friend

A baby can steal your heart with a goofy smile, so you know he’ll do his part. Your part is to spend time with your child and notice how he responds to the world and to you. Notice his efforts to explore and learn. What calms and soothes him? And how does your baby like to play? You will tune into his world, learn to be patient and eventually teach him things, like a secret handshake— yes, seriously— that only you two know.

3. Share New Experiences

While at first your baby appears to just sleep, eat, cry and stare into space, there is an amazing process underway in your child’s brain. Your baby’s daily experiences of seeing, hearing and touching everything in sight are opportunities for growth and preparation for talking, walking and winning golf tournaments. Rich experiences produce rich brains. As a dad, you will make your child’s environment very rich indeed.

4. Be a Safety Net

You will likely feel an instinctual protectiveness of your baby that makes you diligent about adjusting your tot’s car seat, removing choking hazards and baby proofing things to stay ahead of your child’s growth and mobility. As your baby’s dad, take care of yourself as well. Ditch the pre-baby bad habits and macho risk-taking (no more skydiving or race car driving), to ensure you will be around a long time.

5. Admire Your Mate

The metamorphosis of a wife into a mother will be something you appreciate as one of the most remarkable of all human experiences. Your partner’s sacrifices and intense bond with your child warrant your deep respect. But it’s easy to take your spouse for granted. The three to four tough months after your baby’s birth present a window of opportunity for fathers. Dig deep; it’s going to pay off for decades.

6. Be There for Your MVP

Stepping up in caring for your baby shows mom she can count on you. Make sure your spouse feels good about herself as a mom, and remind her of the wonderful child she has produced. Watch for signs of depression and get mom in touch with her doctor if signs appear. Try to take a little time each day to talk to your wife about something other than the baby.

7. Get Your Wife Back

Your mate’s body, time and sense of worth will get wrapped up in her baby, and your former sweetheart won’t have much energy and attention left over for you for a while. Once life settles down a bit, it’s time to help your wife find her non-mom side again. The ball is in your court at this point to be patient and take the initiative on establishing the relationship you want for the next few decades.

8. Plan Your Road Ahead

You will get through the nine month warm-up period and endurance test of the first few months. After that, you’ll find your groove and define your plan for the long term. Understand that becoming a dad is an intensely personal process filled with peaks and valleys, and it’s up to you alone to make it work. Remember to also take care of yourself, enabling you to do your job for your family.

9. Get Outside and Explore

You will learn to accept that babies are a lot of work, and caring for them may not seem like much fun at times. You will also find that a father’s role in teaching his baby to play is one of the coolest jobs on the planet. Start the fun early with mini-adventures, such as letting your baby feel and explore your face, taking a trip to the hardware store and building a crawling obstacle course. These small feats lead to bigger ones like enrolling in swimming lessons with your child to prepare your tyke for surfing.

10. Take Pride in the Job You’re Doing as a Dad

Developing a strong sense of self as a father is crucial. As you meet your baby’s needs, learn to trust your instincts. Helping your child learn new things helps you to develop an awareness of how important you are to your son or daughter. Fatherhood will challenge you, broaden you and provide you with a deep sense of self-respect. (Being dads makes us men in the finest sense of the term.)

For dads of tykes rather than newborn tots, here are cool ways to celebrate Father’s Day.

• Enjoy a minor league baseball game.
• Go miniature golfing— no need for clubs or a golf cart.
• Fire up the grill. A cookout featuring dad’s favorite foods is always reason to celebrate.
• Play Wiffle ball or get a backyard football game going.
• Plan a picnic at the park or the beach. Be sure to bring a Frisbee, football or baseball gloves and a ball.
• Take a family bike ride around the neighborhood or head for the nearest state park or trail.

When dads are present and actively engaged in raising their kids, their children, on average…

1. Have better, healthier relationships
   • Make wiser decisions about relationships
   • Less inclined to have sexual relations too young
   • Seven times less likely to get pregnant as a teenager
   • Therefore, reduce the number of births, abortions and STDs among teens
2. Have better emotional health and control
   • More likely to be non-aggressive toward others
   • Four time less likely to be prone to anxiety or depression
   • Less likely to have behavioral and emotional difficulties
   • Therefore, contribute to a more peaceful and safer schools and community
3. Have better physical health
   • Twice as likely to be physically fit
   • Probably more likely to be breastfed
   • Two times less likely to be a victim of sudden infant death syndrome
   • Therefore, contribute to a healthier community, reducing health care costs
4. Are less likely to become addicted to substances
   • Less inclined to use and abuse alcohol
   • Less prone to use and abuse drugs
   • Less likely to become depressed, which sometimes leads to addictive behavior
   • Therefore, reducing the community’s costs for treatment, recovery, and rehabilitation
5. Are more likely to feel safe and more confident
   • Ten times less likely to suffer physical or emotional abuse
   • Six times less probable that they will suffer neglect
   • Therefore, increasing children’s sense of wellbeing, and their chances of success in life
6. Have better odds of academic success
   • More likely to get top grades
   • Two time less likely to repeat a grace
   • Two times less like to drop out of high school
   • Less likely to be suspended or expelled
   • Therefore, their individual as well as the overall school performance improves
7. More likely to stay out of trouble
   • Less like to engage in risky behavior
   • Less prone to commit a crime
   • Less likely to prison
   • Therefore, will not have a criminal record, which can make it difficult to get a good job.
8. Therefore, reduces the costs of policing, criminal justice and the incarceration
   • Less likely to be poor
   • Four times less likely to live in poverty at some time in their youth
   • Two times less likely to experience poverty as adults
   • Therefore, reducing the community’s charitable and government costs of providing goods and services for the poor

Once the smoke has cleared from a divorce, former spouses have to go about the business of raising kids together. With respect, trust, and, yes, a good amount of time, that relationship can be extremely rewarding. In a perfect world, co-parents are able to work together, setting aside their differences and prioritizing the best interests of their kids above all else. Such relationships often take shape. But there are times where a healthy collaboration between co-parents isn’t possible because an ex wife or an ex husband doesn’t compromise, constantly belittles, or exhibits other such toxic behavior. Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be extremely difficult. 

“Anger and depression are natural byproducts of divorce,” says Nancy Cramer, a leadership consultant and the founder of Correct Course Consulting. “So many of one’s hopes and dreams are wrapped up in a marriage, and to have it end is to take away future possibilities.”

This emotional buildup, Cramer says, can very easily create to a poisonous stew of anxiety, guilt, and the need to undo what’s been done. “The endless loop of bargaining leads one down a rabbit hole of regret and blame,” she notes. “Understanding this enables one to have compassion for their ex-spouse.” 

Compassion is important. And although, emotional responses are common and probably expected, there are times when the co-parenting with an ex becomes toxic and too much to handle. When that happens, it may be time to recalibrate their relationship.

“When emotions are being used to diminish self-worth, distance needs to be established,” she says. “There comes a time when one has to say, ‘Let’s leave each other alone’.”

So what are some trouble signs when co-parenting with a toxic ex? If these behaviors begin to creep into a c0-parenting relationship with an ex, it may be time to establish new boundaries. 

When They Ignore the Other Parent’s Rules

Rules and routines are critical for raising children in any familial situation, divorced or otherwise. But when one considers the stress and emotional turmoil divorce can bring about in a child, the need for structure is even more vital. If one parent ignores already agreed-upon rules, then serious discussions need to take place.

“If one parent is lax in enforcing those rules, it will not only cause chaos with the children and conflict within the parents,” says Benjamin Valencia II, partner and certified family law specialist, Meyer, Olson, Lowy and Meyers. “But it will also create a situation where the children will use the parents against each other to get their way, which is most times not what is best for them.”

When They Constantly Run the Other Parent Down

Regardless of what mistakes may have been made, a co-parenting relationship needs to rely on trust and positive communication. If one parent can’t stop trashing the other, then it’s time to set new boundaries.

“This is highly toxic not only because it puts down the other parent in the child’s eyes but because it also makes the child feel as if something is wrong with them as the other parent is a part of the child,” says Valencia. “Over time, speaking poorly about the other parent will negatively impact not only the co-parenting relationship but also the child’s self-esteem.”

When Compromise Can Never, Ever Be Reached

Although rules and other means of establishing consistency are important, there has to be room for compromise. Schedules change, unexpected circumstances arise, and parents have to be willing to go with the flow. If an ex is refusing to be flexible, he or she is doing more harm than good. “The only people who truly suffer are the kids,” says Valencia. “The important thing should be that the kids get to participate or have the experience not who gets what weekend.”

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When They Send Sexually Charged Texts

Relationship coaches Dana and Todd Mitchem report seeing a number of people who say that their exes continue to send sexually charged texts and inappropriate messages, seemingly as a way of wooing them back. But they can, according to the Mitchems, be incredibly toxic. 

“While these text messages may be disturbing to your new partner as well as you, they are nothing more than just a gimmick to make you question your decision about leaving your ex-partner and ruin what you have in your new and awesome relationship,” they says. “You will have to build boundaries and tell the ex to only communicate about the kids and emergencies rather than pimp themselves out over text.”

When They Are Constantly Rude to the Other in Public

When ex-spouses meet in public, it’s essential to be polite — especially when there are kids present. If that can’t happen, they need to be civil at the very least. In the fallout of a messy divorce, some parents can’t summon the will to be cordial to their ex, and it only leads to problems.

“Not only does this behavior create tension, it also causes stress to the children and provides a bad example,” says Valencia. “No matter what, they will be co-parenting children together for the foreseeable future and they should present a united front so the children are reassured that both parents will work together in their best interests, especially during a time of transition and uncertainty.”

When They Rub Alimony and Child Support in the Other’s Face

The Mitchems note that many of the people they’ve worked with have received mocking texts or emails from their exes regarding how they are spending the support money they’ve received. Messages such as, “My new boyfriend says thanks for the vacation that you paid for!” As angering as a note like that can be, Dana and Todd suggest letting it go and considering the source. “This childish behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the ex and their insecurities, unresolved anger, lack of accountability in their own life, and just being a professional victim,” they say. “In this case, we advise the couples to be the bigger person and ignore them.”

By Jeremy Brown

 

Updated Dec 07 2021, 4:54 AM