For new dads and men about to become fathers, here’s some wisdom for raising your child.

1. Strengthen Your One-on-One Game

Most dads-to-be are concerned with taking care of a crying baby and other challenges babyhood brings. You will find, though, after a few months of on-the-job training, caring for your child becomes second nature. Learn how your baby reacts to your care, and he will learn what to expect from you, like that dads are fun! After a while, nobody will be able to take better care of your child.

2. Get to Know Your New Best Friend

A baby can steal your heart with a goofy smile, so you know he’ll do his part. Your part is to spend time with your child and notice how he responds to the world and to you. Notice his efforts to explore and learn. What calms and soothes him? And how does your baby like to play? You will tune into his world, learn to be patient and eventually teach him things, like a secret handshake— yes, seriously— that only you two know.

3. Share New Experiences

While at first your baby appears to just sleep, eat, cry and stare into space, there is an amazing process underway in your child’s brain. Your baby’s daily experiences of seeing, hearing and touching everything in sight are opportunities for growth and preparation for talking, walking and winning golf tournaments. Rich experiences produce rich brains. As a dad, you will make your child’s environment very rich indeed.

4. Be a Safety Net

You will likely feel an instinctual protectiveness of your baby that makes you diligent about adjusting your tot’s car seat, removing choking hazards and baby proofing things to stay ahead of your child’s growth and mobility. As your baby’s dad, take care of yourself as well. Ditch the pre-baby bad habits and macho risk-taking (no more skydiving or race car driving), to ensure you will be around a long time.

5. Admire Your Mate

The metamorphosis of a wife into a mother will be something you appreciate as one of the most remarkable of all human experiences. Your partner’s sacrifices and intense bond with your child warrant your deep respect. But it’s easy to take your spouse for granted. The three to four tough months after your baby’s birth present a window of opportunity for fathers. Dig deep; it’s going to pay off for decades.

6. Be There for Your MVP

Stepping up in caring for your baby shows mom she can count on you. Make sure your spouse feels good about herself as a mom, and remind her of the wonderful child she has produced. Watch for signs of depression and get mom in touch with her doctor if signs appear. Try to take a little time each day to talk to your wife about something other than the baby.

7. Get Your Wife Back

Your mate’s body, time and sense of worth will get wrapped up in her baby, and your former sweetheart won’t have much energy and attention left over for you for a while. Once life settles down a bit, it’s time to help your wife find her non-mom side again. The ball is in your court at this point to be patient and take the initiative on establishing the relationship you want for the next few decades.

8. Plan Your Road Ahead

You will get through the nine month warm-up period and endurance test of the first few months. After that, you’ll find your groove and define your plan for the long term. Understand that becoming a dad is an intensely personal process filled with peaks and valleys, and it’s up to you alone to make it work. Remember to also take care of yourself, enabling you to do your job for your family.

9. Get Outside and Explore

You will learn to accept that babies are a lot of work, and caring for them may not seem like much fun at times. You will also find that a father’s role in teaching his baby to play is one of the coolest jobs on the planet. Start the fun early with mini-adventures, such as letting your baby feel and explore your face, taking a trip to the hardware store and building a crawling obstacle course. These small feats lead to bigger ones like enrolling in swimming lessons with your child to prepare your tyke for surfing.

10. Take Pride in the Job You’re Doing as a Dad

Developing a strong sense of self as a father is crucial. As you meet your baby’s needs, learn to trust your instincts. Helping your child learn new things helps you to develop an awareness of how important you are to your son or daughter. Fatherhood will challenge you, broaden you and provide you with a deep sense of self-respect. (Being dads makes us men in the finest sense of the term.)

For dads of tykes rather than newborn tots, here are cool ways to celebrate Father’s Day.

• Enjoy a minor league baseball game.
• Go miniature golfing— no need for clubs or a golf cart.
• Fire up the grill. A cookout featuring dad’s favorite foods is always reason to celebrate.
• Play Wiffle ball or get a backyard football game going.
• Plan a picnic at the park or the beach. Be sure to bring a Frisbee, football or baseball gloves and a ball.
• Take a family bike ride around the neighborhood or head for the nearest state park or trail.

When dads are present and actively engaged in raising their kids, their children, on average…

Once the smoke has cleared from a divorce, former spouses have to go about the business of raising kids together. With respect, trust, and, yes, a good amount of time, that relationship can be extremely rewarding. In a perfect world, co-parents are able to work together, setting aside their differences and prioritizing the best interests of their kids above all else. Such relationships often take shape. But there are times where a healthy collaboration between co-parents isn’t possible because an ex wife or an ex husband doesn’t compromise, constantly belittles, or exhibits other such toxic behavior. Co-parenting with a toxic ex can be extremely difficult. 

“Anger and depression are natural byproducts of divorce,” says Nancy Cramer, a leadership consultant and the founder of Correct Course Consulting. “So many of one’s hopes and dreams are wrapped up in a marriage, and to have it end is to take away future possibilities.”

This emotional buildup, Cramer says, can very easily create to a poisonous stew of anxiety, guilt, and the need to undo what’s been done. “The endless loop of bargaining leads one down a rabbit hole of regret and blame,” she notes. “Understanding this enables one to have compassion for their ex-spouse.” 

Compassion is important. And although, emotional responses are common and probably expected, there are times when the co-parenting with an ex becomes toxic and too much to handle. When that happens, it may be time to recalibrate their relationship.

“When emotions are being used to diminish self-worth, distance needs to be established,” she says. “There comes a time when one has to say, ‘Let’s leave each other alone’.”

So what are some trouble signs when co-parenting with a toxic ex? If these behaviors begin to creep into a c0-parenting relationship with an ex, it may be time to establish new boundaries. 

When They Ignore the Other Parent’s Rules

Rules and routines are critical for raising children in any familial situation, divorced or otherwise. But when one considers the stress and emotional turmoil divorce can bring about in a child, the need for structure is even more vital. If one parent ignores already agreed-upon rules, then serious discussions need to take place.

“If one parent is lax in enforcing those rules, it will not only cause chaos with the children and conflict within the parents,” says Benjamin Valencia II, partner and certified family law specialist, Meyer, Olson, Lowy and Meyers. “But it will also create a situation where the children will use the parents against each other to get their way, which is most times not what is best for them.”

When They Constantly Run the Other Parent Down

Regardless of what mistakes may have been made, a co-parenting relationship needs to rely on trust and positive communication. If one parent can’t stop trashing the other, then it’s time to set new boundaries.

“This is highly toxic not only because it puts down the other parent in the child’s eyes but because it also makes the child feel as if something is wrong with them as the other parent is a part of the child,” says Valencia. “Over time, speaking poorly about the other parent will negatively impact not only the co-parenting relationship but also the child’s self-esteem.”

When Compromise Can Never, Ever Be Reached

Although rules and other means of establishing consistency are important, there has to be room for compromise. Schedules change, unexpected circumstances arise, and parents have to be willing to go with the flow. If an ex is refusing to be flexible, he or she is doing more harm than good. “The only people who truly suffer are the kids,” says Valencia. “The important thing should be that the kids get to participate or have the experience not who gets what weekend.”

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When They Send Sexually Charged Texts

Relationship coaches Dana and Todd Mitchem report seeing a number of people who say that their exes continue to send sexually charged texts and inappropriate messages, seemingly as a way of wooing them back. But they can, according to the Mitchems, be incredibly toxic. 

“While these text messages may be disturbing to your new partner as well as you, they are nothing more than just a gimmick to make you question your decision about leaving your ex-partner and ruin what you have in your new and awesome relationship,” they says. “You will have to build boundaries and tell the ex to only communicate about the kids and emergencies rather than pimp themselves out over text.”

When They Are Constantly Rude to the Other in Public

When ex-spouses meet in public, it’s essential to be polite — especially when there are kids present. If that can’t happen, they need to be civil at the very least. In the fallout of a messy divorce, some parents can’t summon the will to be cordial to their ex, and it only leads to problems.

“Not only does this behavior create tension, it also causes stress to the children and provides a bad example,” says Valencia. “No matter what, they will be co-parenting children together for the foreseeable future and they should present a united front so the children are reassured that both parents will work together in their best interests, especially during a time of transition and uncertainty.”

When They Rub Alimony and Child Support in the Other’s Face

The Mitchems note that many of the people they’ve worked with have received mocking texts or emails from their exes regarding how they are spending the support money they’ve received. Messages such as, “My new boyfriend says thanks for the vacation that you paid for!” As angering as a note like that can be, Dana and Todd suggest letting it go and considering the source. “This childish behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the ex and their insecurities, unresolved anger, lack of accountability in their own life, and just being a professional victim,” they say. “In this case, we advise the couples to be the bigger person and ignore them.”

By Jeremy Brown

 

Updated Dec 07 2021, 4:54 AM

Grounding is a practice that can help you pull away from flashbacks, unwanted memories, and negative or challenging emotions.

These techniques may help distract you from what you’re experiencing and refocus on what’s happening in the present moment.

You can use grounding techniques to help create space from distressing feelings in nearly any situation, but they’re especially helpful if you’re dealing with:

• anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociation, self-harm urges, traumatic memories, substance use disorder

• Physical techniques

These techniques use your five senses or tangible objects — things you can touch — to help you move through distress.

1. Put your hands in water

Focus on the water’s temperature and how it feels on your fingertips, palms, and the backs of your hands. Does it feel the same in each part of your hand?  Use warm water first, then cold. Next, try cold water first, then warm. Does it feel different to switch from cold to warm water versus warm to cold?

2. Pick up or touch items near you

Are the things you touch soft or hard? Heavy or light? Warm or cool? Focus on the texture and color of each item. Challenge yourself to think of specific colors, such as crimson, burgundy, indigo, or turquoise, instead of simply red or blue.

3. Breathe deeply

Slowly inhale, then exhale. If it helps, you can say or think “in” and “out” with each breath. Feel each breath filling your lungs and note how it feels to push it back out.

4. Savor a food or drink

Take small bites or sips of a food or beverage you enjoy, letting yourself fully taste each bite. Think about how it tastes and smells and the flavors that linger on your tongue.

5. Take a short walk

Concentrate on your steps — you can even count them. Notice the rhythm of your footsteps and how it feels to put your foot on the ground and then lift it again.

6. Hold a piece of ice

What does it feel like at first? How long does it take to start melting? How does the sensation change when the ice begins to melt?

7. Savor a scent

Is there a fragrance that appeals to you? This might be a cup of tea, an herb or spice, a favorite soap, or a scented candle. Inhale the fragrance slowly and deeply and try to note its qualities (sweet, spicy, sharp, citrusy, and so on).

8. Move your body

Do a few exercises or stretches. You could try jumping jacks, jumping up and down, jumping rope, jogging in place, or stretching different muscle groups one by one.

Pay attention to how your body feels with each movement and when your hands or feet touch the floor or move through the air. How does the floor feel against your feet and hands? If you jump rope, listen to the sound of the rope in the air and when it hits the ground.

9. Listen to your surroundings

Take a few moments to listen to the noises around you. Do you hear birds? Dogs barking? Machinery or traffic? If you hear people talking, what are they saying? Do you recognize the language? Let the sounds wash over you and remind you where you are.

10. Feel your body

You can do this sitting or standing. Focus on how your body feels from head to toe, noticing each part.

Can you feel your hair on your shoulders or forehead? Glasses on your ears or nose? The weight of your shirt on your shoulders? Do your arms feel loose or stiff at your sides? Can you feel your heartbeat? Is it rapid or steady? Does your stomach feel full, or are you hungry? Are your legs crossed, or are your feet resting on the floor? Is your back straight?

Curl your fingers and wiggle your toes. Are you barefoot or in shoes? How does the floor feel against your feet?

11. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 method

Working backward from 5, use your senses to list things you notice around you. For example, you might start by listing five things you hear, then four things you see, then three things you can touch from where you’re sitting, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.  Make an effort to notice the little things you might not always pay attention to, such as the color of the flecks in the carpet or the hum of your computer.

Mental techniques

These grounding exercises use mental distractions to help redirect your thoughts away from distressing feelings and back to the present.

12. Play a memory game

Look at a detailed photograph or picture (like a cityscape or other “busy” scene) for 5 to 10 seconds. Then, turn the photograph face-down and recreate the photograph in your mind, in as much detail as possible. Or, you can mentally list all the things you remember from the picture.

13. Think in categories

Choose one or two broad categories, such as “musical instruments,” “ice cream flavors,” “mammals,” or “baseball teams.” Take a minute or two to mentally list as many things from each category as you can.

14. Use math and numbers

Even if you aren’t a math person, numbers can help center you.

Try:

• running through a times table in your head.
• counting backward from 100
• choosing a number and thinking of five ways you could make the number (6 + 11 = 17, 20 – 3 = 17, 8 × 2 + 1 = 17, etc.)

15. Recite something

Think of a poem, song, or book passage you know by heart. Recite it quietly to yourself or in your head. If you say the words aloud, focus on the shape of each word on your lips and in your mouth. If you say the words in your head, visualize each word as you’d see it on a page.

16. Make yourself laugh

Make up a silly joke — the kind you’d find on a candy wrapper or popsicle stick.  You might also make yourself laugh by watching your favorite funny animal video, a clip from a comedian or TV show you enjoy, or anything else you know will make you laugh.

17. Use an anchoring phrase

This might be something like, “I’m Full Name. I’m X years old. I live in City, State. Today is Friday, June 3. It’s 10:04 in the morning. I’m sitting at my desk at work. There’s no one else in the room.”  You can expand on the phrase by adding details until you feel calm, such as, “It’s raining lightly, but I can still see the sun. It’s my break time. I’m thirsty, so I’m going to make a cup of tea.”

18. Visualize a daily task you enjoy or don’t mind doing

If you like doing laundry, for example, think about how you’d put away a finished load.  “The clothes feel warm coming out of the dryer. They’re soft and a little stiff at the same time. They feel light in the basket, even though they spill over the top. I’m spreading them out over the bed so they won’t wrinkle. I’m folding the towels first, shaking them out before folding them into halves, then thirds,” and so on.

19. Describe a common task

Think of an activity you do often or can do very well, such as making coffee, locking up your office, or tuning a guitar. Go through the process step-by-step, as if you’re giving someone else instructions on how to do it.

20. Imagine yourself leaving the painful feelings behind

Picture yourself:

• gathering the emotions, balling them up, and putting them into a box
• walking, swimming, biking, or jogging away from painful feelings
• imagining your thoughts as a song or TV show you dislike, changing the channel or turning down the volume — they’re still there, but you don’t have to listen to them.

21. Describe what’s around you

Spend a few minutes taking in your surroundings and noting what you see. Use all five senses to provide as much detail as possible. “This bench is red, but the bench over there is green. It’s warm under my jeans since I’m sitting in the sun. It feels rough, but there aren’t any splinters. The grass is yellow and dry. The air smells like smoke. I hear kids having fun and two dogs barking.”

Soothing techniques

You can use these techniques to comfort yourself in times of emotional distress. These exercises can help promote good feelings that may help the negative feelings fade or seem less overwhelming.

22. Picture the voice or face of someone you love

If you feel upset or distressed, visualize someone positive in your life. Imagine their face or think of what their voice sounds like. Imagine them telling you that the moment is tough, but that you’ll get through it.

23. Practice self-kindness

Repeat kind, compassionate phrases to yourself:

• “You’re having a rough time, but you’ll make it through.”
• “You’re strong, and you can move through this pain.”
• “You’re trying hard, and you’re doing your best.”

Say it, either aloud or in your head, as many times as you need.

24. Sit with your pet

If you’re at home and have a pet, spend a few moments just sitting with them. If they’re of the furry variety, pet them, focusing on how their fur feels. Focus on their markings or unique characteristics. If you have a smaller pet you can hold, concentrate on how they feel in your hand.  Not at home? Think of your favorite things about your pet or how they would comfort you if they were there.

25. List favorites

List three favorite things in several different categories, such as foods, trees, songs, movies, books, places, and so on.

26. Visualize your favorite place

Think of your favorite place, whether it’s the home of a loved one or a foreign country. Use all of your senses to create a mental image. Think of the colors you see, sounds you hear, and sensations you feel on your skin.  Remember the last time you were there. Who were you with, if anyone? What did you do there? How did you feel?

27. Plan an activity

This might be something you do alone or with a friend or loved one. Think of what you’ll do and when. Maybe you’ll go to dinner, take a walk on the beach, see a movie you’ve been looking forward to, or visit a museum.  Focus on the details, such as what you’ll wear, when you’ll go, and how you’ll get there.

28. Touch something comforting

This could be your favorite blanket, a much-loved T-shirt, a smooth stone, a soft carpet, or anything that feels good to touch. Think about how it feels under your fingers or in your hand.  If you have a favorite sweater, scarf, or pair of socks, put them on and spend a moment thinking about the sensation of the fabric on your skin.

29. List positive things

Write or mentally list four or five things in your life that bring you joy, visualizing each of them briefly.

30. Listen to music

Put on your favorite song, but pretend you’re listening to it for the first time. Focus on the melody and lyrics (if there are any). Does the song give you chills or create any other physical sensations? Pay attention to the parts that stand out most to you.

Additional tips

Grounding yourself isn’t always easy. It may take some time before the techniques work well for you, but don’t give up on them.  Here are some additional tips to help you get the most out of these techniques:

• Practice. It can help to practice grounding even when you aren’t dissociating or experiencing distress. If you get used to an exercise before you need to use it, it may take less effort when you want to use it to cope in the moment.
• Start early. Try doing a grounding exercise when you first start to feel bad. Don’t wait for distress to reach a level that’s harder to handle. If the technique doesn’t work at first, try to stick with it for a bit before moving on to another.
• Avoid assigning values. For example, if you’re grounding yourself by describing your environment, concentrate on the basics of your surroundings, rather than how you feel about them.
• Check in with yourself. Before and after a grounding exercise, rate your distress as a number between 1 and 10. What level is your distress when you begin? How much did it decrease after the exercise? This can help you get a better idea of whether a particular technique is working for you.
• Keep your eyes open. Avoid closing your eyes, since it’s often easier to remain connected to the present if you’re looking at your current environment.

Grounding techniques can be powerful tools to help you cope with distressing thoughts in the moment. But the relief they provide is generally temporary.

It’s important to get help from a therapist so you can address what’s causing your distress.  

Today, more and more dads like you are experiencing the satisfaction and reward of taking a more active role in the life of your child. Read and discover how these 10 simple ideas can help (or remind) you to start today on a new path—one that will impact your relationships…and your child’s future.

1. Respect Your Children’s Mother

One of the best things you, as a dad, can do for your children is to respect their mother. If you are married, maybe this goes without saying, but I’ll say it just in case; keep your marriage strong and healthy. Take time, as least weekly, to work on this relationship and keep it strong. If you’re not married, it’s still important to respect and support the mother of your children. A father and mother who respect each other, and let their children know it, provide a secure environment for the children. When children see their parents respecting each other, they are more likely to feel they are also accepted and respected.

2. Spend Time With Your Children

This is more complicated than it sounds, I know. But, how a dad spends his time tells his children what’s important to him. You’ve no doubt heard us say, Children spell “love”: T-I-M-E. If you always seem too busy for your children, they will feel neglected no matter what you say. Treasuring children often means sacrificing other things, but it is essential to spend time with your children. Kids grow up so quickly. Missed opportunities are lost forever.

3. Listen First, Talk Second

All too often the only time a father speaks to his children is when they are getting in trouble. That’s why many children may cringe when their mother says, “Your father wants to talk with you.” Take time and listen to your children’s ideas and problems. Listening helps them feel respected and understood. Begin listening and talking with your kids when they are young so that difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older.

4. Discipline With Love

All children need guidance and discipline, not as punishment, but to set reasonable limits. Remind your children of the consequences of their actions and provide meaningful rewards for desirable behavior. Fathers who discipline in a calm and fair manner show love to their children.

5. Be A Role Model

Fathers are role models to their kids, whether they realize it or not. A girl who spends time with a loving father grows up knowing she deserves to be treated with respect by boys, and what to look for in a husband. Fathers can teach sons what is important in life by demonstrating honesty, humility, and responsibility.

6. Be A Teacher

Too often we think teaching is something others do at a school building. But a father who teaches his children about right and wrong, and encourages them to do their best, will see his children make good choices. Involved fathers use everyday examples to help their children learn the basic lessons of life. Consider the vital knowledge you, and you only, possess with regard to music and classic movies at this point!

7. Eat Together As A Family

Sharing a meal together (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) can be an important part of healthy family life. In addition to providing some structure on a busy day, it gives kids the chance to talk about what they are doing and want to do. It is also a good time for fathers to listen. Most importantly, it is a time for families to be together each day.

8. Read To Your Children

In a world where television and technology dominates the lives of children, it is important that fathers make the effort to read to their children. Children learn best by doing and reading, as well as seeing and hearing. Read to your children when they are very young. When they are older, encourage them to read on their own. Instilling your children with a love for reading is one of the best ways to ensure they will have a lifetime of growth.

9. Show Affection

Children need the security that comes from knowing they are wanted, accepted, and loved by their family. Dad, get comfortable hugging your children. Showing affection every day is the best way to let your children know that you love them.

10. Realize A Father's Job Is Never Done

Even after children are grown and ready to leave home, they will still look to their fathers for wisdom and advice. Whether it's continued schooling, a new job or a wedding, fathers continue to play an essential part in the lives of their children as they grow and, perhaps, marry and build their own families.

Which one of these 10 ways do you find the most difficult? Why?